Jam just turned 5 years old!
Our next door neighbor has had some major remodeling projects happening and a general contractor has been over there daily for about eleven months now. Jam and I have seen a lot of him casually over these months since we are always coming and going or hanging out in the yard. The contractor's work is finally wrapping up and today he pulled me aside to compliment me on being a great mom. Going on about how he could tell I was a 'natural' at mothering and all that. Now, of course, I was taken aback at first because, well, a near stranger saying those things to you, out of the blue, is kind of weird.
But, while unexpected, it was actually really nice to hear. A little bit of validation is always welcome as it doesn't come along everyday. Or most days. Or ever, really. Even if it is validation from the nice, elderly remodeling contractor man next door.
(And, no, he wasn't trying to drum up contractor business from us. Which, yes, was my first thought. Since I'm all suspicious like that.)
But it was also nice to hear because, basically, it's true- I really am a great mom to Jam. We're really attuned to each other and are a great match for being together all the damned time. But the more I thought about it, I felt there was more at play than Jam and I just being well-matched.
Now part of it is just my natural temperament. I'm an INFJ. And, apparently, INFJs make good parents. At least Penelope Trunk seems to think so. She wrote about it here. And part of it is that I'm very mindful to parent in the opposite way I was raised. No beatings. No screaming. No name-calling. But that doesn't make me a great parent, that just makes me a decent human being. And, yeah, part of it is because I also have the same sorts of issues with dyspraxia and SPD that Jam does. So I can guess how his body might be reacting to stimuli or that I need to up my patience up a notch when he's having a slow processing day.
Despite all that, I think the biggest reason that I can be a great mom has to do with my parenting partner. Seriously, I ended up choosing really well. Jam's dad is an awesome man. And an awesome father. Our son idolizes him. Now sure, 'Daddy' sometimes lacks a nuanced understanding of our son's special needs and can just be annoying sometimes, but it is because of him that I can be the patient, intuitive mother I am. I'll be honest- other than keeping everything neat and tidy, I don't offer much in the way of cooking and cleaning. That kind of stuff just doesn't interest me. What does interest me is helping this boy of ours grow into who he is. And that takes intuition, patience, foresight and time. Lots and lots of time. And my husband gives me that time and the space and trust to do it. It's a huge leap of faith he takes daily as we see him off to his soul-killing job each morning. Faith that I'm making good decisions and taking excellent care of his son while he's away.
Moreover, he understands and supports our low-maintenance, no-drama, quiet sort of lifestyle. Without it, I would be a stressed, distracted, cranky OCD she-beast mama. Not the best match for Jam's temperament and needs. Things around here would quickly suck for everyone. So my awesome husband willingly does his share of the cooking and cleaning and childcare to help preserve peace and order.
Besides, he also brings good teeth to the gene pool and lots of smarts. Plus, we wouldn't even have a kid if it weren't for him. Literally, of course, but also because it was his idea to have a kid in the first place. We'd been together for 15 years already and I was OK with not having kids. He's the one who up and had an epiphany about deathbed regrets if he didn't get to be a dad.
And, as it turns out, having Jam has been the single most gratifying and redeeming experience of my life. Jam healed my soul and I thank my husband for it every single day.