Jam is currently 5 years old.
Remember those 'Choose Your Own Adventure' books from when you were a kid? I do. Well, actually, I don't. Not really. I know that I've read them all and I know that I loved them all. Because I remember my feelings and emotions about things well. But I don't remember anything more about them than that. No plots, no specifics, nothing. Dyspraxics are notorious for short-term memory issues but I think there's something additionally wrong with me. Not much makes it into short or long-term memory. But that's a whole other post.
Anyway.
Working at a bookstore has it perks and I was recently able to pick up the first twelve books in the original 'Choose Your Own Adventure' series. Before they even hit the shelves. They were used copies and in awesomely pristine condition. A few months ago, Jam and I had gotten Space and Beyond (#3) from the library and he had loved it. I read it to him and he got to make all the decisions and he made great decisions and it all ended happily. So today we did #2 in the series, Journey Under the Sea.
I'm just going to stop here for a minute to preface this by saying that Jam loves all things deep sea exploring and action and adventure and sea creatures and submarines and, yes, the idea of finding the lost city of Atlantis. And all of those things are in this book. And Jam's also at a big stage right now where he wants to be in control of everything that happens to him (which, while age appropriate and awesome, is also kind of annoying).
Adventure and control. Basically, this book was a perfect choice. In theory.
In reality, not so much.
In reality, Jam is a cautious observer. In his imagination, he's an invincible risk-taker. And in our Journey Under the Sea adventure, his risk-taking decision-making led to demise right off the bat. Jam, within pages, was shark dinner.
And Jam was not happy. Actually, 'not happy' is a major understatement. Jam was inconsolable. So here we are doing all of this in our tiny cramped bathroom on the potty (we're dealing with encopresis right now) and huge tears are rolling down his face and he's crying and yelling (in between gasps for air) that I'm the worst person in the world for ever bringing this book home. And then he banished the book forever from the premises. I think the fact that I was laughing hysterically about having just been 'eaten by sharks' made everything worse. But I couldn't stop laughing. Even after he starting bawling.
Poor guy!
And that's when I realized that Jam must still be highly sensitive. I mean, I know he'll always be a highly sensitive kid but I had kind of forgotten about that because it had been a long time since he'd seemed 'sensitive' about anything in particular. When he was younger, we'd have to turn off TV shows right before the credits rolled because the ending of things made him sad. And sad music made him really sad. And sad things happening in sad stories made him extra sad. But he hadn't seemed affected by those things anymore. Or rather, it seemed that he had shifted his sensitivity response from sadness to righteous indignation aimed specifically at the bad guys on his superhero shows or at unjust characters in our story books. Until now.
Thinking through everything later, I still couldn't have predicted his reaction would be so visceral. It was a surprising and much-needed reminder that my kid still has highly sensitive tendencies even if he has been developing good coping skills. He's also still pretty young. Sometimes he seems so sophisticated and mature that I forget he's only just turned five.
Another thing that came out of this was an old memory of mine. Well, again, not a memory, per se, but one of those strong feelings about the Choose Your Own Adventure books when I was reading them decades ago. And that is the feeling of anxiety. Overwhelming anxiety in every decision. All the minutes I spent mulling over every variable to make the best decision on each page. I probably spent more time getting through a book than it took to write the book! And I remember the failure I'd feel when I'd get one of the less than optimal outcomes. And then I'd start the book over, determined for the desired ending. I know the books were supposed to be fun, and they were, but I had really strong perfectionist habits growing up. It was a love/hate relationship I had with these books.
I still think they can be great fun, though. And I know that Jam will enjoy them when he gets older and is more emotionally prepared for them as we work on his own sensitive and perfectionist nature. Until then, they are safely stored away. But I also need to be careful because when Jam gets spooked by something he can hold the fear of it for a long, long time. So we're getting back on the horse quickly, this time with Choose Your Own Adventure for Young Readers, with more age-appropriate levels of action and decision making.
Except I think we'll be skipping #7- Return To The Haunted House. I'm not even going to mess with that one...